In the Mind of a Kleptomaniac
by Sael
Summary: A doctor in Mideel analyzes Yuffie Kisaragi's case of kleptomania. Oneshot.


In the Mind of a Kleptomaniac

**_Kleptomania_** is most commonly defined as an irresistible impulse to steal, stemming from emotional disturbance rather than economic need. People who are diagnosed with kleptomania struggle inwardly, unsure of how to resist the sudden urge to commit theft. **_Ninja_** or **_shinobi_** are people who specialize in **_ninjutsu_**, which is defined as the art of stealth. Thus ninjas are those who move in an unperceivable manner, their intentions usually directed towards assassinations or reconnaissance. On the contrary, Wutai shinobi are merely warriors whose ambitions do not relate to such violent acts. Their purpose lies in the defense of their village, and through vigorous training as well as spiritual meditation, they can execute physical exercises that seem impossible for the average man. Such feats may include temporary immunity to the limitations of gravity or unperceivable movements noticed only by the mako-infused eyes of members of ShinRa's SOLDIER.

However, when these two subjects (kleptomania and ninjutsu) are combined, that is when things truly become interesting. When a highly trained shinobi and practitioner of the covert arts is diagnosed with the impulses of kleptomania, the consequences may result in some rather problematic issues. This is the case I have analyzed in my latest research.

Eight years ago, lord Kisaragi of the Wutai village contacted me about scheduling an appointment. I asked what the problem was and he answered, "I believe my child is diagnosed with kleptomania." In consideration that Wutai is a very distant place from the location of my office in Mideel, I suggested that he take his daughter to a very accomplished therapist in Rocket Town. He protested, claiming that I was the only one he'd see. I asked why, and he said, "Doctor, do you know what happens when a ninja from Wutai is diagnosed with kleptomania?" In response to my silence, he continued, "The world will face daily theft, and no one will be able to do a damn thing about it!"

A week later, Godo Kisaragi arrived in Mideel along with his daughter Yuffie, the princess of Wutai. My initial tests required a basic run-through of her profile, and thus, I attempted to use my scan materia. Unfortunately, within a matter of seconds, the materia vanished into thin air from my grasp. That is when I realized the severity of the problem at hand. I shall express my hypothesis in a rather simple fashion: Ninja plus kleptomania equals "oh shit."

Indeed it was Yuffie who had snatched away the scan materia, and due to her refusal in returning it to me, I was forced to do it "old school," if you will. Through a long series of questions, I was able to obtain the following profile from my patient.

Name: Yuffie Kisaragi

Age: Eight

Blood type: A

Place of Birth: Wutai

Date of Birth: November 20

Height: 4' 6''

Current medications: none

Any previous therapies: none

After a series of medical examinations, I concluded that Yuffie was indeed a very healthy girl. However, a few moments after the tests were given, I was called by the medical staff and informed that much of the equipment and machinery was found missing. When I asked Yuffie about these incidents, she responded with no knowledge of their disappearances. Unsure of how she would manage to steal such items, I disregarded her involvement with the incident, and moved on with more tests. My next observation included a one on one verbal conversation with the patient. The following text consists of the results:

Doctor: Yuffie, what is your most prized possession?

Patient: You need to lose some weight.

Doctor: Now, Yuffie, please try to focus on my questions, okay? Could you tell me what your favorite possession at home is?

Patient: Are all doctors fat?

Doctor: Yuffie, please. This is important. You need to take this seriously—

Patient: I like your mustache. I wanna grow a mustache too!

Doctor: Listen to me, Yuffie. I need you to settle down and focus on what I'm asking you.

Patient: Oh fine!

Doctor: Thank you, Yuffie. Now can you please tell me what your favorite possession is?

Patient: What's a possession?

Doctor: Oh, forgive me. Possession means "thing that you own." What's your favorite thing that you own back home?

Patient: Materia! I LOVE Materia!

Doctor: Ah, I see. -pause for scribbling notes- Now, Yuffie, do you like other people's materia?

Patient: Other people don't have materia! They're all mine. I just let them borrow them.

Doctor: -more scribbling- Yuffie, other people have their own materia. Do you like to borrow other people's materia?

Patient: No, because they don't have any materia to let me borrow. I just let them borrow mine, and then I take them back.

Doctor: What do you want to be when you grow up, Yuffie?

Patient: I'm gonna be the bestest materia hunter in the world!

Doctor: But Yuffie, if all the materia in the world belong to you, then how can you hunt for more materia?

Patient: Because there are mean monsters that stole my materia. So I'm gonna become a materia hunter and take them back.

Doctor: -scribbling-

Patient: This is boring. I'm hungry.

The results showed that my patient was incredibly possessive of materia. Over the next few days, I came into the office with one or two materia tucked safely into my jacket pocket. After my usual treatments and therapies with Yuffie, I would leave the office and notice that the materia was missing. Another test I executed was one which tested the young girl's physical capabilities. I would accompany her into a large gymnasium, where numerous materia were taped onto the walls and ceiling. After removing the blindfold from her face, I timed how quickly she was able to retrieve all the materia. I was left astonished. Ten consecutive tests all brought similar results. The gymnasium was 116 feet long, 62 feet wide, and 36 feet tall. A total of thirty-six materia were scattered all over the gym, and the average time it took for Yuffie to gather all of them was 3.78 seconds.

I continued to treat her through behavior modification therapy and gave medications such as fluoxetine, paroxetine, and sertraline.

At the conclusion of my time spent with Yuffie Kisaragi, I had accomplished absolutely nothing. Her kleptomania and desire for materia had not been affected at all since my encounter with her. When the Kisaragi's left Mideel, I was notified by the materia shopkeeper that her entire stock had been stolen. I merely pretended to know nothing about it.

Eight years after my meeting with the princess of Wutai, I was delighted to see her again in Mideel, this time accompanied by a gang of strange individuals. She had indeed become a very skilled shinobi, and perhaps even the "great materia hunter" she had dreamt of becoming. Before her departure, I asked her if she still owned all the materia in the world, and she laughed.

"Not yet," she told me. "But soon."


End file.
